Some mornings I wake up and skip practice.
A million ideas call for my attention. They all claim to be oh so important.
Before I started meditating, I thought I knew what was good for me.Study more. Train harder. Work till exhaustion. “Keep going no matter the cost.”
I brought that attitude to yoga and when I couldn’t keep to an imposed ideal, I suffered. I got hurt
Often I wake up, tired.
“Am I getting soft?”
I feel a wedge that separates me from what ‘I know’ works. I start to panic…
Some mornings when these feelings arise, instead of sitting with the quiet, I reach out for distractions. I open the phone. Damn…
This is the antithesis of the practice. Instead of stilling my attention, I am agitating it. I know that scrolling is pulling me from where I want to go, and yet, for some reason, I partake.
In the back of my mind lurks a desire to self-sabotage. This simple mindless action gives that part of me fuel. Ammunition to think poorly of myself.
Why is it that I do this?
As I grow, I see that getting to the bottom of the unsolvable ‘why’ is problematic. For me, it has been a win to recognise that ‘self-sabotage’ is just an energy.
And all energy can be danced with.
At its highest, a dance is a coordinated action of body, mind and soul.
How is it that you dance?
The physical dance of life is overwhelming, we often trudge from one place to the next, one desire to another.
But what is it to dance fully?
I practice a dance given to me in my Yoga practice called the Nrtta Sadhana. It is a pure dance. A dance I dance, for me.
On the mornings I feel like I have cheated myself from my dance practice, I feel less set up for the day. Less me.
In the Nrtta, the coordinated activity of asymmetrical movement, unimposed natural positioning, mudra (gesture) centres my energy.
It can be used as a set-up for seated meditation. It can also be a meditation in it’s own right.
It is easy to fall in love with the ideal of the Yogi, eyes closed, lost in a meditative trance.
But this morning I sit, barely able to keep up with a busy mind. I swat away the thoughts “I’m not good enough” and “why can’t I just sit.”
This morning there is a false perception of self-worth being tied to the practice.
The killer of experience is expectation.
This inner dance feels different than the coordinated movement and un-imposed gestures of the Nrtta.
This is the dance of my mind.
Over the years, small gains have been made. As I patiently watch, I see narratives surface like uninvited old acquaintances that don’t wish me well.
Today, I am able to let go.
I take an honest appraisal of the situation.
They say, if you wrestle with a pig, you’ll only end up getting covered in shit. This morning, I politely decline the invitation.
I say no to my mind by saying YES to something bigger.
After distracting myself for an hour, feeling frazzled, I make the choice to believe.
A simple act of decisive, internal faith restores a connection. I used to think I had to do 2 hours of hard physical practice to ‘believe’ in myself.
This morning, I simply believed.
In the sea of chaos, especially when we have not met our own expectations, there is every temptation to latch onto negative thoughts and let them run wild.
I’ve seen where they go. “I’m not good enough” leads to “why am I even here” and before I know it I have spun some ungodly story that questions my very being itself.
That simple choice, to trust, is way more powerful than I can articulate. You must feel it for your self.
It is a muscle that gets stronger each time the decision to trust is made.
Ultimately, trust is the path of surrender, the ultimate no-method ‘method.’
Here, you are invited to give it all up and see what remains. Even the practice of surrender is held lightly and eventually surrendered (which will surely break even the most stubborn of minds.)
This morning, I let go of the real culprit to my unhappiness; an attachment to practice.
So instead of robotically trudging through a practice in the hopes that it will bring me into deliverance, I am finally learning to listen to the requirement of the situation.
To test your hearing, you use quiet sounds.
This morning was a subtle teaching. This is the fruit of a dance that has, over the years, built my sensitivity. First in body, then later in mind.
The dance of mind I see in the practice of Himalayan Meditation. It is an invitation to take your entire experience of life as a dance partner.
It leads you to find your flow and to be the master of your own liberation.
This is a path that is uniquely yours, where faith and belief are essential, as is the close application of mindful awareness to all dimensions of your being.
For hidden inside every encounter is a moment of liberation yearning to be realised.
But only for those who have ears to listen.
Softness of mind and tenderness of heart are essential to feel grounded in the present. Himalayan Meditation aids in this process by calling forth the next moment to come in peace.
Your happy past and a longed for future are both disguised and revealed in the satisfied present. This morning, rather than dance with body, I felt a need to express the dance in words.
To write. To reflect. To learn about myself.
Here I have allowed the dance of energy to come forth onto the page. I ditch the negative thoughts knocking at the door, and reassert an inner belief.
A Belief In what? Something, anything bigger than me.
Life. God. Consciousness. Doesn’t matter what I call it, just that I feel it.
In the mirror I see a couple of trillion cells, unified by a solitary sense of being ‘me.’ This morning, my ‘me-ness’ (whatever it is) will suffice.
Belief bootstraps positivity.
The Soul has returned.
I have. I will. I can.
I have overcome many challenges.I will persist with the endeavour.I can have the happiness I seek.
Like a flash of lightning cutting through the night sky, in an instant, the attachment to practice is broken.
How deeply I was gripped by a false belief ‘if I meditate, I am worthy.’ Oh what suffering this creates when I am unable to sit!
This is not freedom.
When the Buddha sat, he just sat.
My intuition suggests that I’ll only be admitted into realms beyond when I am fully at peace with this one.
I watch as a single shoelace pulls against itself on opposing sides in order to hold the foot firm in a shoe. It is one thread, unbroken.
When the capacity to do, and the softness of letting go, are both embodied, object and backdrop are felt as one.
This is unity. This is peace.
This morning, an air of good will comes as a refreshing breeze in the stuffy night. From this, a genuine humour and joy permeates my being.
Not from hours of hard slog or complex yoga positions, but one moment of genuine surrender.
From here I am restful enough to see a sense of awe in a child’s eye, watching a rabbit and a duck dance in the rain.
I smile as a star sits happily in Her sky.
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If you are wanting to loosen the grip on your mind and body and are ready to learn how to extract the wisdom from your own life (and build the confidence to share it with others) we have a few spots on our upcoming yoga and meditation ‘Soul Retreat.’
More than just a peaceful few days away in the Grampians, you will be guided to learn simple, authentic meditation and yoga practices and a self-accepting, self-nurturing disposition so that their application in your life is from a balanced and peaceful place.
