Who would have thought?
Way back when, I got taught to fight.
As a soldier, you learn at boot camp that you don’t bring a knife to a gun-fight.
“Weapons overmatch” is the military jargon for “bring a bigger gun” and this Monday I’m reflecting on how the outer conflict of my service can provide insight into the ‘inner-battle’ that is fought inside the human heart.
How do you know if you are caught by this mysterious inner conflict?
Simple. You are suffering (don’t despair, it’s a human universal.)
Now I am not glorifying war or violence… but there is a reason that from the Bible to the Bhagavad Gita, conflict is the backdrop of the great spiritual tomes.
Hidden inside the horror of war is a reflection to what, as individuals, we are capable of putting ourselves through.
Soldiers learn it on the battlefield, civilians have to learn it through life. Both are equally difficult.
One of the biggest hang-ups from service, indeed schooling and ‘life’ is the internalisation of the ‘harsh-inner critic.’
Are you acquainted with the nastiness of self-judgement?
Being harsh on oneself can breed exceptional performance; you don’t need a senior yelling at you to be motivated when you have the fear of being yelled at so deeply embedded in you.
Oftentimes, if we listen to this voice, it sounds suspiciously parental.
When my harsh-inner critic gets a bit uppity, it becomes a Nazi (literally, it wants to eradicate me.)
Even after years of meditation and yoga; sharing, guiding, teaching others, that pesky guy is still alive.
What has changed as a consequence of my Yoga practice though? My relationship to him.
Instead of freaking out and letting that hurt little boy win, I can see it is an insecure part of the ‘old me’ that I used to whip myself into elite performance.
So how best to manage troublesome parts of our personality? (obviously through Yoga!)
In the Army, they teach you to fight fire with fire.
Weapons overmatch is the military idea that if you show up to a fight with significantly more fire-power than your enemy, you will compel the opposing force not to fight (and win without needing to use your weapons.)
Or.. if you do need to use them, you are guaranteed a victory by your bigger guns.
I tried fighting my harsh inner critic with hatred. All it did was make me hate myself further. Duh!
On the path of Yoga, we aim for enlightenment and then systematically remove the junk of the mind, so that our highest power emerges from within… love.
Love is simple.
It is universal positivity. It isn’t limited to being an emotion (which can be fickle,) it is a virtue of the Soul.
So my negative internal voice pops up… ”I’m no good, may as well not be here”… and my old military gung-ho ‘weapons overmatch’ mind jumps in.
More hatred doesn’t work, so I bring out my big guns… “I love you.”
It feels trite to write that!
In a mental health crisis, I don’t believe in love, let alone have the capacity to say it. It’s just one jumbled mess of negativity and self loathing.
No amount of trying to overpower my mind with positivity seems to work.
Have you tried to do the ‘positive talk’ in the midst of a depression? How did it work for you?
Yoga has taught me a different path; that peace comes from putting the guns down, not by wielding a bigger one.
Weapons overmatch might work on the battlefield, but it hasn’t worked for me in my own inner war.
Why is this?
Thoughts are like waves on the ocean; good and bad waves are still waves, and a wavy ocean is by it’s nature, unsettled.
So then, what works?
The best way to reduce waves is by… doing nothing. This is the path of Samarpan (Surrender.)
Surrender is the most abhorrent thing to a soldier (I would have rather died a noble death on the battlefield than to have surrendered.)
But what is it to Surrender? Is it simply giving up?
Not really. It is active.
Yoga is a skilful way of being, not just a destination. Samarpan is a ‘meditative yoga’ in it’s own right.
Practically speaking, surrender means to simply watch… and let go.
On a daily basis. Over and over.
An example; A seed of self-hatred begins to sprout. You catch it by watching your mind closely.
“I’m no good.”
Panic sets in.
“Oh no, I’m about to get sucked into my depression.”
The chain of negativity is being pulled (for me, that leads to a super dark place rather quickly.)
Many people will tell you to ‘take a breath’, or ‘pop a pill’ or offer a positive affirmation that you don’t believe in; these haven’t worked for me so I won’t recommend them to you (if they work for you, keep at it!)
I suggest keeping it even more simple; Samarpan.
Watch… and Surrender.
Then what?
Out of empty space insight flashes like lightning.
Today I hear “go for a walk,” tomorrow it might be “Ask for help from a loved one.”
Only a clear mind knows what is good for you.
Surrender is not scripted; it is about giving yourself space to see what you are resisting (and habituating the inner feeling of letting go.)
Many methods of self-care and self-help are focused on trying to ignore the mind – even fighting it with positivity. But this just builds more waves and thus less clarity.
As a Yogin, our bread and butter is in cultivating ‘witness consciousness’ or abiding in Atman / Self / Soul.
We also cultivate dispassion (vairagya) in what we see. Simply put, zero f’s are given to the content of the thoughts.
If you thought test cricket was boring, some days meditation makes watching paint dry seem like fun. Samarpan Meditation can be a hard slog, but hands down, this has been the quickest way I’ve experienced to quiet my mind.
Thought by thought, moment by moment, meditation builds clarity.
With clarity, comes decisiveness and viveka (discernment); the ability to separate what is useful, and what isn’t.
Negativity? Not useful, in the bin!
But rather than to sever the heads of the inner demons, a Yogin learns to look the devil in the eyes.
With time, as if by magic, these dark thoughts dissolve on their own accord, simply by being witnessed.
You have to experience that to believe me.
Whatever your contemplative pursuit, when you couple an enhanced sense of self-awareness to the power of Surrender, navigating the difficulties of life is infinitely easier.
Turns out that the secret to peace (surrender) was the opposite of war (fighting.)
Who would have thought that?!
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If you are interested in learning Samarpan (Himalayan Meditation), Hatha Yoga and the Traditional Yogic outlook on life (beyond just stretching,) we have availability on our upcoming Soul Retreat.
